The Bachelor Recap: I Don’t Want It That Way

Ah, another episode that ends without a current rose ceremony. Ugh.

Call me crazy, but was this episode, like, kind of super boring? Obviously, Corinne is still Corinne so that was entertaining in an excruciating cringe-inducing sense, and some of the other ladies lost their minds too, but I was just so not into it this week. It just all felt so expected.

I think I’m already ready to get past this nonsense and get to actual dating and connections? Am I getting tired of this show? God help me, I hope not.

Hopefully this is just a fluke week, but don’t worry, I’ve still got a recap for you (though Nick only earned himself three greatest things).

Let’s get to it.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 3

10. Nick wore so many tank tops this episode. That’s all.

9. Why do all of these women bite Nick’s lip? Are we really there yet with the making out? Is this really what other people do on the second kiss?

8. We need an eyelash intervention on this show. If I can see your eyelash glue, you are doing this wrong!! Big spidery clumps on your eyes are not cute! Have normal eyelashes! Normal eyelashes are cool, you guys. (Or get the extensions that look at least kind of natural) (I’ve done this, no judgment.)

7. Taylor becomes more and more problematic for me each week—this week’s concern rises from her talking about how miserably upset she’d be if she didn’t get the Backstreet Boys date in front of all the girls who didn’t get the Backstreet Boys date. Girl, you rude.

6. Guys, I’m pretty sure Corinne has never actually had sex? Like, how high school is this whipped cream situation? I can’t.

5. We’re back at it with the “Corrine isn’t ready to be a wife” chatter. Honestly, she’s not ready for any adult relationship, but she doesn’t become wife material by being less sexual and learning how to clean a house. They’re all right in what they’re saying, but learn to say it less sexist-like, please. You can be slutty and still be a good wife!

4. I am so sorry I’m giving Corinne so much oxygen in this recap, but she actually said, “I made Corinne great again” which makes her both extremely unoriginal (if I hear this joke again, I swear) and almost certainly a Trump supporter. We already knew this, but thanks for confirming.

3. Corinne is so entitled and so obsessed with herself that she doesn’t realize how dumb it is to tell the other women she has a nanny. You should never tell anyone that, literally no one.

2. In legitimately the first conversation I’ve seen Dominique have with Nick, she gets mad at him for not asking her why she’s in her own head on their group date. Dude, how would he know this yet? How would he know that this is different behavior? He’s spent maybe five minutes with you total. Calm your expectations! She totally sent herself home there.

1. Corinne, a complete child, says she wants to always be the center of Nick’s attention. Girl, is this how you think relationships work? I mean, that’s maybe how codependent relationships work? But, honey, may you find a partner (maybe when you grow up in 10 years) that you care about who gives you enough security to seek joy and fulfilment in yourself and in other things besides making out with each other.

Now, for Nick’s few shining moments.

Here are the 3 Best Things That Nick Did on The Bachelor: Episode 3

3. Nick handled the Vanessa vomit situation so adorably (and kind of grossly). Swoon.

2. “To kind of winning,” Nick toasts Astrid for getting in the hot tub while coming in last. As my husband points out, Nick is great at saying the dickish things we’re all thinking but saying it without sounding like a dick.

1. He is smart enough to give Rachel the group date rose! Rachel is so beautiful! I love Rachel so much!

Some random thought and predictions:

How perfectly amazing was Vanessa’s calling out of Nick with Corinne, saying she doesn’t judge Corinne, but Nick. YES, GIRL. YES.
There are still some girls I swear we’ve never seen before. Whitney? Britney? Who is she seriously?
I think brunette Danielle, Vanessa, and Rachel make it really far and I guess I’m going to guess he picks Vanessa? I do not feel confident in this at all.
Please keep Alexis as long as possible.