The Bachelorette Recap: Meathead Monster

Hello, dear Bachelor Nation! It’s time to get serious about JoJo’s journey to find love. And also about how I really hope her taste in men improves throughout the season.

It’s the second episode so it’s time to get our villain and to focus almost exclusively on him. I mean, obviously, Chad is just a complete monster. Until Chad is gone, basically all we will talk about is Chad, the hyper masculine “honest” douchebag.  Great job, Bachelorette producers- you have truly outdone yourself this time!

Let’s get to it.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 2

10. Chase (who I definitely have never seen before) makes it snow on him and JoJo, which is cute, but also I’d be like, boy, GET THIS WATER OUT OF MY PERFECT HAIR.

9. JoJo says, like, four times an episode that she wants the type of love that Ben and Lauren have. Are they the only happy couple JoJo has ever seen? Honey, it’s time to find another example of true love.

8. WE LOST OUR NARRATOR! Ugh, I mean obviously James S. the super fan wasn’t long for this world, but he was such a treat of commentary. He was this season’s Tanner! I miss him already.

7. Daniel, Canada’s worst human, says the last time he pulled a hose like that was at home in his apartment. How many women across America became lesbians right after that comment?

6. Lol, Alex thinks that getting a rose signifies that you’re one of the best bachelors in the country. HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

5. Chad goes on a rant that the guys all act like they haven’t seen a beautiful girl before because they’re nice to her, I guess? I don’t understand- are they supposed to treat her like shit? Is being basically kind sucking up? Apparently, according to Chad.

4. Ugh, what a horrible disaster the Bachelor Nation game was. NEVER REWARD CHAD! Here’s something to remember: honesty is not an excuse to be a dick. We all think a million thoughts a day that don’t need to be said out loud to anyone. You are not inherently entitled to have your awful opinion listened to or respected. And JoJo fell for that “I’m honest” speech? LAME.

3. OMG, JoJo asking Chad to tell her the things he loves about her is apparently nagging? And he tells her she’s “getting a little naggy?” First of all, asking for romance and respect is not nagging. Second of all, could you be more sexist? NOT A FUNNY JOKE.

2. Why do people on this show pull these mass confrontations at cocktail parties? Like, sure, Chad is a dick, but why do you need to intentionally stir drama with him? You know you hate him, you hope JoJo will eventually see what a douche-monster he is- all you can do is avoid him! Don’t obsess! Don’t fight! These fights aren’t a good look for anyone. (I’m talking to you, Alex!)

1. Chad says, maybe 15 times, that JoJo wants a man, not a boy who’s going to suck up to her. He talks about Alex’s height at any chance. He says he’s ready to take care of JoJo like she needs to be taken care of. He tries to make metaphors about protein shakes? Oh lord. I’m going to go ahead and point everyone to this toxic masculinity definition.

And now, my random thoughts and predictions:

  • I still think Jordan is our frontrunner- they didn’t show him very much so they’re trying to downplay their connection, but I ain’t falling for it.
  • The new standout for me was James Taylor! She was actually INTO him.
  • Wells is so appealing and I so hope he’s here for a long time, but you just know JoJo needs one of these bulked up boys. Alas.
  • I clearly hate Chad but dude is pretty funny sometimes. And he knows about musicals! And he has his mom’s Maltese! Okay, he is still awful, but I’m still giggling.
  • Christian likes bubble baths! Okay, maybe my fiancé is right to be happy our wedding is before I could film the next season of The Bachelor with hopefully Christian.
  • Oh, James S. We will miss you. On Chad’s constant eating: “When you miss a meal and you look like that, it’s detrimental to your progress. At least that’s what I’ve heard from him- I wouldn’t know.”

See you next week! Twice! Ooph, that’s going to be a lot of Chad.



*Feature image source: ABC, Originally seen on

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