Oh, bless us all, The Bachelorette has returned in all of its beautiful, magical, sexist glory.
And what a season we have ahead of us! JoJo is a perfect bachelorette.
I mean, she actually is the hottest bachelorette ever (though that doesn’t mean it didn’t annoy me when ALL the guys said it), but girlfriend is sassy and funny and interesting and a true treat. And you know, she loves Jesus so maybe the internet bullies will leave her alone? (Just kidding, I know internet bullies are insane).
And hey! It seems like ABC finally listened to us and stacked the roster with some contestants of color who can actually last for awhile. If The Bachelorette can have an contestant whose parents are Iranian, we can all defeat Trump, right?
Anyways, just because we had a delightful episode (with a cameo from delightful former bachelorettes), doesn’t mean there weren’t men around to say awful things. So let’s get to it.
Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 1
10. I’m into Ali, but boy needs to stop playing Für Elise like it’s supposed to be impressive. They literally teach this song to middle school piano players or maybe even younger! Yawn.
9. I love Christian so much, but he goes to the gym at 4:30 AM? Dude, no one can marry someone who goes to the gym at 4:30 AM, are you kidding?
8. Gross, Evan, a former pastor, says he’s found a new way to lift people’s spirits: he’s an erectile dysfunction therapist! Nope.
7. I’m not one to rant about how social media is ruining the world, but that dude saying he wanted to be JoJo’s #ManCrushMonday made me want to never open Instagram again.
6. Okay the guy who was Santa seems like maybe he’s normal (except for the Santa thing), but that Santa thing was WEIRD. It made me feel very uncomfortable, like when people call their sexual partners daddy.
5. Okay, I just hate Chad. I have to mention the way he, just, exists. He has this Nick Viall vibe where I feel like he’s constantly trying to seduce JoJo with every single word. The way he introduced himself made my skin crawl.
4. Luke reminds us all about the most sexist hot girl internet meme – the unicorn. You know, a woman who’s hot but not crazy. Ah, men. We’re so lucky to have men (no, no we’re not).
3. Daniel got a rose? Look, I understand the realities of producer manipulation, but why on earth? When they force someone to keep crazies like that, I start to lose so much faith in this show. She didn’t even have one good conversation with him! He jumped in the pool! He was flexing his lats! What?
2. Chad really appreciates JoJo’s confidence. You know, it’s just really hard to find confident women. Oh, thanks dude. You’re so right! We do need to be more confident! Fuck you.
1. This Jake Pavelka nonsense made me want to turn off the television. ABC, stop fucking around. 1. You didn’t fool anyone- we all knew it was a bait and switch; 2. Do you not know how much we all hate Jake? We hate him so much; 3. What’s this joke of bringing him during the rose ceremony? Like yeah, that’s totally natural and believable that he’s just out in a limo at 4 AM, ready to give advice. Be better, ABC. Be better.
And now, my predictions:
- Obviously, no question, Jordan is our frontrunner. Are you joking? She likes him so much and have you seen his face? I would be worried that he got the first impression rose (you know about the curse), except Shawn got it last season. Also how cute is “Jordan and JoJo?” Stop it right now.
- CHRISTIAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. For real, have we had a contender this strong who wasn’t white since Marquel the cookie guy? I’m already starting the Christian for Bachelor campaign. Hang on, boy. Hang on.
- Ugh why is Alex, the hot marine, so short? Mostly I care about him being short because it makes me feel like a bad person for caring about him being short.
- I get the feeling they manipulated the hell out of the season preview. Like, it’s for sure going to be a good season, but they’re messing with us a lot. Nobody rips anyone’s head off, you guys- don’t worry. (I mean, please, that would really change the dynamic).
- We’ve got a LOT of douchebags to spice up Bachelor in Paradise and I’m not complaining!
I’m so glad to be back here with y’all. See you next week!
*Feature image source: Twitter.com/TheBachelor