The Bachelorette Recap: Hi, Get Over Yourself

Another week, another cliff hanger! Another week, another bout of cultural appropriation! Another week, another man melting down and imploding! Another week, another pretentious asshole!

Ah, the many joys of The Bachelorette.

This week, the fifth week, is when you’re like, “wait, how are there still crazy guys here?” and, “wait, how do I still not know who that Justin guy is?” and, “wait, you’re not actually falling in love shut your mouth.” I was feeling ready to get over this hump (WAIT, THAT’S NOT UNTIL NEXT WEEK) (LIKE MY JOKE??) and get down to business with the serious contenders only, but I will miss all these assholes. Just think — soon we will be hearing the same monologue over and over for two full hours and we will miss these treasured days.

Let’s get going so we can talk about Ian and how much we hate him.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 6

10. Okay, I’m sorry, but I was just SO BORED on Ben H’s 1:1 date. Like literally, I went down an Instagram rabbit hole stalking my sister’s friend’s roommate during their date and I really feel like I missed nothing. You are so cute, Ben! But yawn.

9. These poor guys aren’t allowed to wear coats during the rose ceremony outside in what looks like THE DEAD OF WINTER. Just kidding guys, it’s April. Welcome to New York, or #W2NY as Taylor Swift would say. I’m sorry you’re freezing, but at least you look pretty! Oh wait, I do this every winter- I no longer feel bad.

8. Well I really hate to say it…but Nick wasn’t all the bad this week. I mean, props to the producers hard, because I think they get full credit. But his singing was endearing and he handled Joshua really well and whatever. Good job. But! He was being annoying acting like a little know it all about timing/dates/feelings and hi, that’s the last thing you should be doing.

7. This haircut situation with Joshua is literally my worst nightmare. Like literally. Hair cutting should be SACRED, you guys. But also, if you’re going to do that date in the dark with subpar clippers… you should have been braced to get made fun of.

6. Oof all these awful fake accents while singing during the mariachi date were too much. The actual mariachi people were not having it in the background and I do not blame them.

5. Giving the group date rose to Nick was a bold, bold move. But I feel like it was given in spite? I don’t know, maybe she would have given to him anyways (she clearly is very into him), but it seemed a little bit to tell the guys to get over it. Like, “y’all are pissing me off so what do you think about this?” Oh well.

4.  Oh no. We’ve got two men, Shawn and Jared, who’ve been on one actual 1:1 date with Kaitlyn telling her they’re falling in love. That is too much! Look, I have fallen real hard real fast, but no. You aren’t in love with her yet. Just trust me, you aren’t. Maybe next week I’d maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe consider it being okay, but no.

3. Poor Joshua. I never really got the feeling he was melting down as much as everyone thought. Like he was, but in a sweet not quite so horrible way. But he should know that tattletales never fare well on The Bachelor/Bachelorette and especially not if no one is going to back you up. I think Shawn saved you though, so it’ll be okay (for maybe one more week).

2. So… Ian. Um, I really truly hate you. You are nothing but a dime a dozen pretentious asshole who thinks because you went to a fancy school your god’s gift to women. You are not, trust me. His speech to Kaitlyn was horrifying. There is a difference between being honest and being rude as fuck and also, no one asked for your opinion. Kaitlyn looked like she was going to punch him in the face and I’m SO impressed she didn’t. What a true piece of shit garbage.

1. Ian is really so dumb that he thinks he’ll actually get to be the Bachelor after acting like this. Like literally, this is how little self awareness he has. Really?!? You think ABC is going to pick this whiny man-child whose ego hurts because he’s not Kaitlyn’s first pick and then lashes out at her, talks about his many (seemingly nonexistent) merits, and then talks about how much sex he has at home with girls that are hotter than Kaitlyn? Yeah, never. They made their Juan Pablo mistake once.

I’m feeling your “OH HELL NO” face real hard, Kaitlyn love:

kaitlyn is pissed

*Image source: ABC. Originally seen on @TheBacheloretteABC

Other random thoughts/predictions:

  • Nick says that he and Andi cleared the air, but judging from last week’s tweet and last night’s tweet…I’m thinking not?

andi tweet

  • JJ was tolerable this week! And cute at the cocktail baseball reception! And then he tells Shawn not to clench his jaw! Okay, maybe he just really needs a friend, you guys.
  • SAN ANTONIO!! I love San Antonio!
  • My feelings on Shawn: I was super surprised they showed how into Shawn’s love confession Kaitlyn was. Mostly because I really want him to win and that seems like a bold giveaway. BUT, I think maybe she doesn’t sleep with him next week and they have drama and then we’re nervous so they think they’ve thrown us off. Hopefully.
  • But also, Shawn basically is Ryan Gosling’s character from Crazy Stupid Love and I’m feeling it hard.
  • Kaitlyn has a cool ring again during her Shawn dinner. ABC has a great ring stylist on call apparently.

See you next week, when we slut shame a grown woman! Just kidding, please don’t do that. Catch me every Monday night tweeting along @Alicemcalex!

P.S. I don’t want to hear about this Snapchat spoiler. I know something happened, but I don’t know who and I don’t want to know. Let us leave the magic alive!

*Feature image source: ABC. Originally seen on


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