Well, this ridiculous episode was everything we’ve signed up for, America. We asked for this! We got it! Thank god.
Our handsome, personality-less Bachelor, says a lot of lame things through sexist and lame dates while some relatively sane women are driven to utter insanity over this mediocre dude. I’m into it.
Some frontrunners locked themselves into the crazy villain position, some others actually made themselves more likeable. And we even got to watch Ben sniff the women! What a dream.
Let’s get right into it.
Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 2
10. Ben is so upset that he has to send women home. He actually says, “It doesn’t make sense.” Our poor little dumb Bachelor.
9. I literally cannot with all this Indiana/high school obsession! Like seriously, if Ben talks to us about how he’s from Warsaw, Indiana or about his god damn high school one more time, I’m going to lose my mind! Women of the world: be VERY wary of any 26-year-old man who is still so into his high school. Just go ahead and walk away right now.
8. “I hope this picture I had a producer print of us makes you feel really special.” Lol, Ben’s way of making Lauren B feel really special definitely didn’t blow her away (which I LOVED).
7. Lace said, “I’m not crazy,” “I know you must think I’m crazy,” “I’m coming off as crazy,” like at least 17 times. Every time she said it, she looked crazier and crazier. Girl needs to calm it down.
6. Caila brings up the “unlovable” thing on their date, so that’s a thing we’re going to talk about Every. Single. Episode. Yawn and a half.
5. Olivia’s personality is so practiced. Every time she’s “cute” or “sassy,” it is planned. I don’t trust her at all. And she straight lied to the girls pretending Ben stole her to have secret time with her. Women who take the time to make other women feel bad are the worst women.
4. Lace’s time with Ben was painful, to say the least. She literally never let him get more than three words out before she interrupted him! And she would just randomly start talking about the weirdest things and he’s like, “What in the hell is happening? Someone save me.”
3. What is this ridiculous thing Ben does before he gives a group date rose where he tells everyone who the top two women were and what their merits were? Like, if you don’t want them to think you’re comparing them all, you should definitely not do that. This made me so remarkably uncomfortable each time.
2. Lace getting a rose is the saddest/worst thing in the world. For sure, I am feeling some UnREAL vibes here because no way did he want to choose her. The producers 100% made him keep her and honestly, that’s pretty messed up because girlfriend’s mental/emotional stability is not in a safe place.
1. Oh lord, “She won the Love Lab contest” is something that was said on this episode. That second group date was just…. bananas. The whole thing was a nasty, mean mess. They actually made women run on a treadmill and then let Ben smell them and comment on their smell OUT LOUD in front of EVERYONE. Disgusting. Also, like unless you test the women’s reactions to his smell, this feels like he’s buying an animal or some shit. Nope, nope, nope.
What a great night of quality television. But I gotta say, GOD DAMN YOU, ABC, FOR BRINGING ON KRIS JENNER TO MAKE ME WATCH THE WASTE OF LIFE THAT IS BACHELOR LIVE. I will never turn down time with Queen Kris. (Though I still could only survive 28 minutes before I turned it off.)
My random thoughts and predictions on the ladies:
- He does a good job of calling them women and not girls almost the whole time. Props.
- Poor Amber, always forgotten.
- I am LOVING Jubilee. She’s so, so gorgeous, and she is not dealing with any of these bitches’ nonsense. But that promo for next week made me nervous.
- Caila was very sweet this episode. I’ve even gotten over the whole dumping a guy for a Bachelor situation!
- Okay, I had my first swoon moment with Ben so hard that I’m going to even pretend it wasn’t the producers’ idea when he brought those roses to make hair clips for Amanda’s daughters. SO cute, I could not.
- I hate promos on The Bachelor, but Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were delightful. If promos can feel like this, I’m down.
- Ben without a shirt is so underwhelming. Sorry, that’s rude I know, but boyfriend signed up for me to judge him, so he can take it.
See y’all next week! Please, Jubilee, don’t go insane!
*Feature image source: Rick Rowell/ABC. Originally Seen on Entertainment Weekly