The Bachelor Recap: Beautiful Girls

It’s BAAAACK! Oh boy, here we go you guys.

For real, how has it been six months since we last talked Bachelor land together? It feels like just yesterday. Let’s do this all over again, shall we? I can’t wait.

So I’m trying, I’m TRYING, to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. Wholesome boring dude turns Bachelor can either go the Sean Lowe route- awesome, great season- or the Chris Soules route- god awful, worst season. Luckily, the women make the show watchable, so we’ll be entertained no matter what.

Sometimes I love Ben- like when he sought out Lace to make sure she didn’t feel rejected, or like when asked Chris Harrison for a hug. And other times, I’m like, dear God could you talk about small time values a little less? I guess we shall see as time goes on.

Let’s dive right in.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 1

10. Lol Chris Harrison’s outfit. So sleazy! I can’t with it.

9. I just want to complain in general about all the names. Like Lace? What is that nonsense? Tiara? 14 Laurens? Why is Jamie’s name spelt Jami? Why is Megan’s name spelled Maegan? I can’t with these names.

8. I kind of felt like we were in some GOP ad about real America during Ben’s opening scenes. “Hi, I’m Ben. I’m WHOLESOME. I definitely won’t sleep with someone and accidentally leave my mic on.” Okay, we get it, guys.

7. DID YOU REMEMBER THAT BECCA IS A VIRGIN? CHRIS HARRISON DOES!! Let’s do this virgin/whore nonsense all over again, I guess.

6. Wait, why is Chris Soules giving Ben advice? Uh, dudes, he was the worst Bachelor. His three minutes on this episode reminded me why. “Kiss them all. You gotta give 110%.” BYE.

5. I legit can’t handle how they always call them all girls. THEY ARE WOMEN. Why do we call the Bachelorette contestants men and not boys if we can literally only call these women girls? I hate it so much. It’s so gross.

4. “I can’t wait to meet the future ‘Mrs. Higgins.” Alright, sure- just assume none of these women will want to keep their maiden name.

3. Olivia says she deserved the first impression rose. Yuck. I liked Olivia literally until he gave her the first impression rose. Her smile and reactions seemed SO FAKE and also, hush your nonsense about “deserving it.” Do I have to go on my weekly rant about how everyone deserves love and how much I hate when they act like some people deserve it more than others?

2. Ooh, Lace. I have no sympathy for her wasted nonsense- this is like the 100th season of this show. Learn from literally every other season and don’t get shitfaced and make a fool of yourself on night one. Girl is crazy and mean and I’m not about her. If I were Ben, I would have been like, “Uh, you can leave if you’re mad? I mean, please leave. “

1. This twin nonsense is sick. Hi, I’m not trying to watch some high school guy’s fantasy play out. They’re sisters! I want to give them a chance, but they’re playing up this twin fantasy stuff way too much. Talk to them separately, not together! Don’t call them one after another! Treat them like two individual women named Emily and Haley, since hi, that’s what they are. Gross, gross, gross.

Well, my, “I can’t” monitor was on HIGH during this episode. So I guess that forebodes a beautiful season? And apparently the budget for The Bachelor is way higher than for The Bachelorette because his dates look hella better. Remember when they made Kaitlyn go to a janky haunted house and then just camp out in Ireland? Not happening this time!

Also, I refuse to watch Bachelor Live. I wasted too much of my life on After Paradise, so yeah. Tell me if it’s good, but I’m not holding my breath.

My thoughts and predictions on the ladies:

  • Caila is great and I think she’ll go very far. She would be my favorite if she didn’t break up with her boyfriend to MAYBE go on the show to date Ben. That’s just nonsense talk.
  • Ugh Samantha. I’m over all the traumas these women feel they have to have to be compelling.
  • I mean, he clearly is very into Olivia. That smile is so fake- I think a big batch of crazy comes with it.
  • Please someone get rid of Mandi immediately, I cannot.
  • JoJo is my current favorite even though her limo exit was kind of weird. She’s pretty, I like it. And she seems fun? I’m into it.
  • I’m down with Becca being here, I guess, but I’m so tired of Amber.

See y’all next week! I can’t wait to enjoy this mess with you all winter. Take us out with your wisdom, pregnant goddess, Catherine!




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