The Bachelorette Recap: Boys Be Bach Shit Crazy

Oh boy, oh boy, you guys. These boys just really went straight to crazy town this week.

Last night’s episode was about as weird as they get in Bachelorette land. Kaitlyn picks weird/funny dates! Chris picks creepy as hell dates! The men are all losing their minds! It was the best!

Narrowing this list today has been QUITE THE CHALLENGE. I could just as easily make this: “The 10 Ways Kupah Was My Nightmare on The Bachelorette” + “The 10 Times I wanted to Punch Tony on The Bachelorette” + “The 10 Times I thought ‘Yawn, you’re an asshole, Clint. We get it’ on The Bachelorette” + “The 10 Most Psycho Things JJ Said on The Bachelorette While Expressing Zero Emotion.” BUT ALAS.

Let’s go into the hardest thing I’ve done all week — narrowing this week’s recap down to the 10 Worst Things That Happened!

The 10 Worst Things That Happened This Week on The Bachelorette: Episode 4

10. OH GOD JJ said he’s excited about sumo wrestling because he “[loves] Japanese culture and sushi.” Oh boy.

9. “I see the world through the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul,” said Tony, not once, but TWICE last night. People who have these little descriptions about themselves spend waayyyyy too much time thinking about themselves. Tony needs to spend a little more time at yoga, because I’m thinking my yoga teachers would not think I was on the path to enlightenment if I was spouting this bull shit all day.

8. Okay, really, Chris Harrison–your willingness to take sponsorships in whatever form they come really went to the extreme this week with this super weird date you chose for Kaitlyn and Ben Z. I absolutely refuse to link to that Room experience thing because it was awful. So weird. At first I was like, okay this is weird, I don’t like it and then they walked in and I was like WHAT THE HELL. Nope nope nope.

7. HAHAHA did y’all hear how Clint wants to play hard to get with Kaitlyn? Does he not know how the show works? Also, you just took a selfie with a bunch of women, Gone Girl style. Not going to work out for you, bro.

6. Let’s really talk about what happened with Tony. Tony got all into the sumo wrestling and then everyone was laughing at him. So he threw a little fit. His implosion was just embarrassing. I can’t with men who lecture women. Bye bye, see you never.

5. Oof, this bromance. I’m all for friendship (hooray friendship!) but this is a gross one. My favorite part was when they were going on about how awesome turtles are. Lol.

4. JJ needs to calm it down with the testosterone. His “I’M A MAN, YOU’RE A BOY, I WILL KILL YOU” metaphors were exhausting. A couple of them:

“Let the big dogs hunt, dude.”
“Honestly, they’re just lemmings and one by one they walk right off the cliff. Because I’m chasing them.”

3. Oh my god, you guys, Kupah was just the worst. I can’t believe I’m wasting energy talking/thinking about him anymore but GROSS. I think my least favorite part of his meltdown was when he smiles at Kaitlyn, “I won’t yell anymore, I promise” and then as soon as she’s out of eyesight, drops the smile into a scowl and starts mocking her. He was literally losing his shit about his ego being hurt and then acted to Kaitlyn like he was there to be with her and was just sad? Yeah, no.

2. “Villains gotta vil,” says Clint over and over. I’m not saying anything else about this.

1. This Clint situation, you guys. I’m actually pretty shocked at how openly of an asshole he is. First, he’s in a serious bromance with the worst guy in the house. Second, he decides Kaitlyn’s not for him only because she didn’t like your hard to get game? Third, that speech he gave her as a fake apology? Boy knows how to play the ladies, I guess. Fourth, wanting to stay in the mansion for JJ so manipulating your way into a spot? Despicable.

Image source: Rick Rowell, via ABC. (Text added by me.) Originally seen on USMagazine.com.

Other observations from last night:

My favorite thing about The Bachelorette vs. The Bachelor is that we don’t have to listen to 40 minutes of whining each week about not getting the 1:1 date. Way to be chill, guys!
HI anyone else melt for Ben Z’s, “We’re definitely not going to have a bird after we’re married.” Still just me?
Okay so on this hell date, they said the password had to be six characters and then solved it with the password “roses.” Lol, okay.
I see your Victoria’s Secret color block swimsuit, Kaitlyn, and I love it.
Miss Kaitlyn is not shy about being honest about sex on national television and she is a true American hero, err Canadian hero.
Also, Kaitlyn, way to be a badass. She does not put up with any shit.
I still think Shawn is doing REAL well. They’re kind of downplaying him, no? Hi, Mr. Winner. Though, it’ll be interesting to see everyone’s reaction to Nick next week. As our reality TV gods love to say, this could change everything!
GIVE ME A GOD DAMN ROSE CEREMONY AT THE END OF THE EPISODE, CHRIS HARRISON. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.