The Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Can Do No Wrong

Rachel is not here for your nonsense and I have never loved a Bachelorette more.

She is literally a perfect queen who can do no wrong. She handles DeMario PERFECTLY. She tells the guys, “I’m good though,” when they try to act like she needs help taking care of a joker (girlfriend has never needed help less). She manages to convince the producers to let her send BOTH Lucas and Blake home (they always make the leads keep the awful people for much longer!). She has NO poker face when the guys are idiots.

We are unworthy.

Now the rest of the people on this show, meanwhile…

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 3

10. LOL Blake doesn’t eat carbs because he’s on a ketogenic diet so he DEFINITELY doesn’t eat bananas. Rachel’s scoff reaction was everyone’s scoff reaction.

9. How thirsty were those random audience members who were willing to very awkwardly say the script, “Let me see that junk,” and “Let me see your butt,” during the mud wrestling? NOPE. So weird.

8. Oh, poor misguided DeMario. I appreciate that he approached the situation by acknowledging he messed up! But his little cliché speeches were so awful and Rachel does not care at all what your limo driver thought or about your favorite quote from an inspirational poster in your high school guidance counselor’s office.

7. Dude, these bros were straight hovering while Rachel was an amazing boss bitch with DeMario. Like, back the f up, you weirdos. She does not need your help.

6. Oh lord, this kiss with Fred was the most uncomfortable moment. I feel so bad for both of them! He must have been super frustrated with all the bad kid talk! He was trying to be respectful by asking, but BOY did it not work. And she was just so clearly not into it. Definitely made me want to crawl inside my couch.

5. Ugh, I can’t even with this Lucas and Blake nonsense. There is too much awful to pick apart, but let’s start with Lucas’s homophobic, “Maybe Blake just has a crush on me,” banana nonsense. Hi, it’s 2017, let’s not be so awful.

4. I honestly like Blake less than I like Lucas. Both are awful, I’m tired of talking about them, but nothing annoys me like people with no agency. Honey, you’re not going home because of Lucas. You’re going home because you’re insufferable.

3. While the  Lucas and Blake fight was ridiculous and entertaining, it stressed me out so much because I just know we’ll have to see them on Bachelor in Paradise and I have NO INTEREST IN ANY MORE SCREEN TIME FROM THEM. Neither of you are funny, dudes.

2. NOPE. NOPE. Bryan has A LOT of work ahead of him to get me to tolerate him after both grabbing the mic from Ellen (YOU NEVER GRAB THE MIC FROM ELLEN) and then saying Will got his sloppy seconds. That is the most disgusting sexist phrase. Dude, she is the freaking Bachelorette and you don’t own her in any way.

1. Iggy and Lee each spent their entire cocktail ceremony alone time talking to Rachel about Eric which gives me a chance to talk about how Lee is racist, even though it wasn’t technically in this episode. Like no, for real, there are racist tweets all over his twitter and I hate ABC for purposefully bringing on a racist contestant for the first black Bachelorette.

My random thoughts and predictions.

  • I’m super appreciative of the horrible puns Kenny and Will keep breaking out. You do you, dad jokes boys.
  • Ellen is perfect and right about everything. We don’t deserve Ellen on this show.
  • For sure, had never seen Brady before this episode. No way he was actually on the show before.
  • I am so here for Rachel and Peter! We got like two seconds with him, but I’m into it. I also like Anthony and Will and I LOVE Kenny.
  • I have very mixed feelings about Eric, but I don’t understand anyone’s problems with him exactly. What has he done wrong really? I mean minus getting mad at the end, but that’s also fair….?

And it looks like we get to spend next week having uncomfortable (but important!) conversations about race that Rachel really didn’t want to have to deal with but ABC forced on her by knowinglingly bringing on a racist because, you know, TV drama is more important than their lead’s dignity.

See y’all next week!



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