The Bachelorette Recap: The Lead We Need But Don’t Deserve

It’s Bachelorette season, the best season!

I’m so excited to be back with y’all recapping this season with the best lead we’ve had for a good long while.

Rachel is already a perfect angel of a Bachelorette—one episode in, she’s already tied with Kaitlyn as my favorite Bachelorette and that is saying A LOT. She references Clueless, the best movie ever! She brought her dog with her! Her dog has a cute cast! Her friends like her so much that they cry talking about her!

And having a black Bachelorette has finally given us what we all want, but don’t deserve—a group of extremely attractive black men suitors! Can we talk about how handsome these black men are? For real, there is not one white man who comes close (okay *maybe* Peter, the first guy out).

Before we get started, let me say, 9 PM is way too late to start a two-hour show. I’m tired, y’all. The sass diminishes by the hour, but I can heartily promise that next week, with a normal starting time, it will be back in full control.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 1

10. Nope, cannot handle the tongue-rolling guy. Every time he did it, I full-body cringed. Rachel’s reaction was the best though, “Oh, that’s his thing. It’s not mine.”

9. The hovering level of the guys trying to swoop in was out of control! I have no idea how Rachel handled that—it would have turned me off every single one of them.

8. Ugh, Josiah is my favorite (still? I think?) but he needs to calm it down with the cockiness. I get it, it’s his cute thing and it works on a lot of women. But he literally referred to himself in the third person! Chill. Be as wonderful as we’ve seen you be all the time!

7. Guys, this AJ (the creepy ass doll) bit was just, like, too much. Just ridiculous. But also, I’m embarrassed about how much I laughed at the montage.

6. The whaboom guy is insufferable. I don’t even care if he’s just on the show to get famous—uh, most of them are. But could he try to be less annoying? I’m not going to blame Rachel for letting him stay—whatever, it’s her job. I’m just already so over him!

5. Poor well-intentioned, stupid Dean. He clearly doesn’t realize how ill-advised it was to say, “I’m ready to go black and I’m never going back,” because he brings it up AGAIN. Dude, just let it go away. Let us try to forget it!

4. Blake, literally no one cares about your penis. In fact, now that you’ve mentioned said penis in your intro package, I actively hate you.

3. Some loser in a pink tie whose name I refuse to look up says, “we’re starting to see more cat fights than girls do.” NOPE. NOPE.

2. DeMario calls Rachel “the future Mrs. Jackson.” Dudes, stop it. You can hope someone will be your wife without assuming she will take your stupid name. Rachel has a great last name—maybe she wants to keep it. Yuck.

1. OH HELL NO, I cannot believe Jonathan thought it was acceptable behavior to TICKLE RACHEL 30 SECONDS AFTER MEETING HER. Remember when Chris sent that guy home for groping Kaitlyn? CAN WE DO THAT NOW?

My random thoughts and predictions.

  • I honestly really don’t have any thoughts about who the frontrunners are! Clearly, she likes Bryan and the guy with the earring is all over that promo (his name is Anthony, but I just wrote the guy with the earring), but I’m going to hold on my predictions until next week. No one person blew me away with their connection.
  • Josiah’s story is so intense and I feel like he could have either run for office or come on The Bachelorette and maybe he chose wrong? Oh well, I like this way better.
  • Peter, the only white guy I’m into so far, was super adorable when he said, “I’ll throw this chocolate into the fire right now,” after Rachel says she doesn’t like chocolate.
  • Lol, wasted Mohit standing there drinking water was too cute.

I am very excited about this season, mostly because Rachel is perfect and despite the fact that these guys get douchier every season.

Oh hey, and also! Let me just give you some warning that I might miss a recap towards the end of the season when I do this tiny thing of birthing a child. It’s okay, we’ll survive, I promise.

See y’all next week!



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