The Bachelorette Recap: Love is Dead

Well, I checked out of this season about two minutes into this episode. I care about zero of the men left and my heart has left its body and is attempting to travel to Burnet, Texas to reunite with its one true love, Luke.

What world do we live in that Chase, the man who only discovered emotions last week, was the most interesting part of this episode? UGH.

Join me, as we recap another soul-crushingly boring episode of The Bachelorette!

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 9

10. What a lame cliffhanger last week that just ended exactly how they told us it would in the last episode. LAME.

9. “Cheers to hopefully finding my happily ever after,” JoJo says to two men, one of whom she’s dumping in a week. Um….is love a two-way street? No?

8. Oh lord almighty, why are we still talking about Ben telling her he loved her in the SECOND TO LAST EPISODE of this season? Oh my lord, I can’t believe she replied to Jordan saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her by saying, “Eh, that’s what Ben said.” YEESH.

7. Yuck and a half: “You’re a traditional guy like that? You should be,” says JoJo when Jordan says he wants to talk to the dad (note, he doesn’t say her dad) about proposing. Like, if people like that, that’s nice. I’m all for asking for a blessing (not permission), but he’s not required to be that way!! You’re a grown woman. You can make your own choices!

6. I don’t want to be a crazy conspiracy theorist but I’m not buying that note from Robby’s dad. It was scripted exactly like everything else Robby says and used the same exact language he uses every time he’s in front of the camera.

5. Man, I really wish Chase didn’t keep talking about the fantasy suite in his post breakup anger meltdown. It just made it seem so much more about sex than it probably was. I wanted to like his genuine reaction so much but it started to feel so yucky.

4. JoJo chasing Chase away saying that she can’t let him walk away thinking that she meant to hurt him was awful. Girl. GIRL. Let him hate you! Why are you chasing a hurt man down to try to make him think better of you? You just dumped him! He doesn’t have to like you.

3. Chase is proud of JoJo, you guys. Okay, I actually thought it was really sweet that he came back to apologize for his super anger, but there is nothing that irks me as much as mediocre white men telling their female peers they’re proud of them. *Insert eye roll emoji here*

2. Seriously, how is JoJo so conned by this Robby monster? “I’ve been honest with you from day one—a perfect example is Uruguay when I told you I loved you.” Huh? If you have to say you’re honest 100 times, you’re probably not honest. HE IS SUCH A CON ARTIST.

1. Luke and JoJo’s break up made me sadder than I have ever been watching this show. Has any male contestant been as vulnerable as he was ever? Poor sweet Luke.  He was so sad! I was so sad! Luke, you will find love with two different women on the next season, I just know it (because apparently that’s the new normal).

And now my random thoughts and predictions.

  • JoJo wore her hair in a ponytail for her date with Jordan, so he’s the winner, obviously. The ponytail only comes out on a date when you’re locked in.
  • Girlfriend is so bad at hiding her emotions! She basically had to send Chase home right when he said, “I love you,” because it was so obvious on her face that she was done with him.
  • I guess I want her to pick Jordan? I think he definitely came on the show for fame but he maybe actually likes her? Robby is a shit monster and doesn’t care about her at all. I won’t be interested in either of them as a couple.

UGH, see you again tomorrow night where we recap a bunch of fame-hungry macho men having a pissing contest. JOY!



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