The Bachelorette Recap: Mean Girls

This group of boys! I tell you.

I have never seen a group so in need of therapy. They cannot survive without ganging up on someone or being mad at someone or doubting someone’s intentions- even JoJo’s!

Let’s all agree that we need to give mediocre white men some serious lessons on coping with rejection- no? I guess this show would be so boring if men could handle rejection. But also maybe we wouldn’t get shot and raped as much, so…. trade offs, you know?

Let’s get to it, but be warned: my sass levels are OFF THE CHARTS.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 5

10. All you boys need to stop talking about not getting enough time/having your time stolen/getting cut by other guys. Do you not know how this show works? And newsflash, you don’t need time right now. She’s going on gut feelings and producer prodding 100%.

9. Ooh, Jordan is really starting to wear on my nerves. He is 100% a mean girl. He picked the fights with Chad, he speaks for the group all the time, he gives big speeches to make others look bad. I don’t really love Derek, but I trust his gut on this. MEAN GIRL FRONTRUNNER.

8. “Do you have your wallet? You owe me a shirt,” whines Evan. Lord almighty, are you 12 years old? You made your point, like, the other 47 times you said this exact thing. Get over it! I’ll buy you a damn shirt if you shut up.

7. “Obviously this decision was about personality not looks and my personality is ****.” Yes, Daniel. Yes, it is. I’m assuming you said shitty? Oh, and if we were going by looks alone, Wells would win any day.

6. So devastated I had to spend another two hours with Evan. JoJo, what did we ever do to deserve this?

5. Why are we wasting so much time on a stupid story from In Touch? Doesn’t everyone know how low In Touch is on the reliability scale? Basically, People you can trust, US Weekly we can probably trust, everyone else, don’t touch that nonsense with a 10 foot pole. Anyways, these guys talk shit about JoJo all day and then act like they never worried about it when she comes to them crying. Uh, not a good sign.

4. Look what you have done, Bachelorette men. You may have gotten rid of Chad but you fanned the flames of the Alex monster. Alex knows what JoJo needs, you know, and it’s not “an insecure little bitch.” YIKES. JoJo knows what JoJo needs, not you. And uh, she was into Ben Higgins, so maybe you don’t know her that well? And expressing your feelings does not make you weak- it makes you strong.  (Yes, Chase did this too, but I think he’s just parroting Alex. Still don’t like it.)

3. I was trying to give Robby a chance this week despite the rumors about him (I get to that) and how little I like him, but then he said he LOVES HER?! Absolutely. No. Fucking. Way. No way he loves her already. He gave away that he was scamming her the second he said that. Nope, don’t trust him. Bye boy.

2. Chad would be sad JoJo dumped him, but you know, she just can’t understand that when a guy’s backed into a corner, he has to do something that isn’t pretty, so it’s probably for the best. Literally, attitudes like this are exactly why we have Trump right now. NO, you never have to do something that’s not pretty unless that something is crying and then I fully support you. Honestly, if all these guys could have a good cry, I feel like things would be a lot more chill.

1. James Taylor says that they let Alex rescue their princess just this one time. Nah, dude. She rescued herself! Just because Alex was brave enough to talk shit (can you read the sarcasm in that?) about Chad does not mean that he rescued her. She rescued herself! She sent Chad home. She told him off. Not Alex! And she only chose Alex because he was there! She clearly has no interest in him. Ugh, I cannot. WE DON’T NEED RESCUING THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

And now, my random thoughts and predictions:

  • Luke was the only one who reacted well to the magazine before JoJo addressed it. So I like him best. This doesn’t matter though- what matters is that JoJo likes Jordan best. Did you catch that, “do you know about this?” she asked him. She only cares what he thinks.
  • Team Wells forever.
  • I think Luke is the only person who could conceivably win that I actually like? This sucks.

And, ugh, I wish we could stop giving oxygen to the national nightmare that is Chad. But alas, I must show you this insane Instagram just in case you were worrying about more important stuff today like the Senate voting no on background checks yet again. (I’m getting so political, you guys, I so apologize).

So rumor is that Robby dumped his girlfriend of four years to go on The Bachelorette (he talked about this  on his date). Cool, whatever, who cares. WAIT CHAD FOUND HER AND MADE OUT WITH HER AND POSTED PICTURES OF IT ONLINE?

This is the most insane Instagram I’ve ever seen. Well, maybe that time Rob Kardashian posted a picture of Rosamund Pike covered in blood from Gone Girl and said it was a picture of Kim. Other than that, this wins for sure.

What a week. See you next time! Perhaps I shall be calmer and less political? Probably not.



*Feature image source: ABC,

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