The Bachelorette Recap: He’s a Man

Okay, I was so pissed that I had to watch this show two nights in a row, but I see you The Bachelorette. WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS NOW?!? WHAT?!?

I straight yelled at my TV. And I tell you what – that TV is lucky I didn’t pull a Chad.

I’m not going to make it two weeks! Do you know how hard it is to not read spoilers? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TWO WEEKS WITH NOTHING?

Anyways, that was a doozy of an episode. Very violence focused! This is a teaching moment for all of us on how to solve problems like adults. Clearly, based on my reaction to this two week nonsense, I could learn a thing or two as well.

A bunch of other stuff was annoying as well, so let’s get to it.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 4

10. Ugh Evan is getting on my last nerve. Did you see the dumb way he had his hair under that sweatband for the football date? Why is he still here?!?

9. JoJo becomes the first person in history to utter the words, “It feels so good to be in Pennsylvania.” Okay, that’s mean and Pennsylvania is a fine state and all, but why are The Bachelorette travel cities SO LAME?! She has to go to Pennsylvania and act like it’s exotic and romantic? Psh, shut up.

8. Vinny says there are a lot of softies in the house (I guess you’re a softie if you can’t throw your body into the ground for no reason?) and he’s the one who’s going to show JoJo who’s the real deal. No, Vinny, just no.

7. Chad pulls an Evan and says if JoJo is also into Evan, she can’t be into Chad. You guys, this is a TV show. She’s not into most of you. And hey! Women have capacity to show interest in a variety of qualities and people.

6. Chad apparently knows that he’s what JoJo wants even though he hates how the men act like they know her well enough to care about her. It’s just that men always know best, you know?

5. What the hell is going on with Evan? He’s all of a sudden decided he’s some tough guy? He actually says that he feels comfortable in the resort because it’s manly and rugged. Lol, stop trying so hard, dude.

4. Chad may have a real coping and violence issue, but the other guys are not acting too great either. They really do like to poke him, and why? Why not just avoid him and talk about him behind his back like any self-respecting woman? (Don’t yell at me, fellow feminists- I mean this as a compliment.) Alex tells Chad he’s going to lay him out, Grant calls him a coward, Jordan intentionally tries to get him to react, Luke pesters him with ridiculous questions. Chill, bros.

3. WHY DID SHE SEND HOME ALI AND CHRISTIAN? Okay, I’m like actually pretty sad about this. I better see them on Bachelor in Paradise or I’m going to lose it. I am definitely not calling anyone racist, but why oh why do the interesting men of color who have average connections with the leads always go home before the boring white people who have average connections with the leads? Vinny? You serious?

2. JoJo keeps saying, “He’s a man!” any time she thinks someone is sexy doing rugged athletic things, but not whenever they show good emotional perception, are respectful of others, or treat her kindly. Like, I know she’s not saying those things aren’t manly, but the absence of it says it all. Plenty of other things that aren’t physical at all make you a good man.

1. Alright, Chad’s threats of violence got out of control this episode. He clearly just has no other way to react to difficult situations. What a tough way to go through life! Does this show have therapists like on UnREAL? Because that guy could use some new coping mechanisms.

And now, my random thoughts and predictions:

Ooh, Luke is pulling into the frontrunner seat this week! She is into him and he’s actually growing on me a lot. And they’ve kept him quiet so, that’s a good sign.
Jordan’s going to be our classic, “is this too good to be true?” boy. I mean, probably, JoJo.
Why do people like Robby so much? I’m not feeling it.
Wells and James Taylor grow on me every week. Maybe one of them for next bachelor?
“You should like milk. It’s delicious.” Too true, bro. Too true.
What on earth happens in the next episode? I have literally no idea.