Hello, and welcome back! Despite the fact that I’m quite irked to have been the only person living in Georgia who wasn’t watching the college football playoff, I am finally glad to be back in Bachelor land with all of y’all.
While self-deprecating Arie is the only Arie I like and he only showed the slightest glimpse of that self, I already care enough about some of these women to also care about how this all ends for him.
But of course, as soon as we got the whole getting on a motorcycle montage, I knew we were in for quite the painful spectacle. Let’s get to it.
Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 2
10. Was the Dateline-like montage of a bumper car trauma awful or wonderful? Okay, it was the only time I laughed and had genuine merriment so I’m here for it, but LOL the bumper car trauma, I can’t.
9. Um, Bibiana, you can’t say “mic drop” about yourself…
8. I get that Arie is the kissing bandit or whatever but damn, he is GOING FOR IT with all of the women. I know people kiss the same all the time, but it was a little jarring to see him do the exact same move over and over and over. Made it seem kind of formulaic and less romantic?
7. OH GOD, Krystal says, “Hi, baby,” to Arie after knowing him four days and I’m about to vomit.
6. It’s not that anything’s wrong with giving your date a bunch of fancy clothes and jewelry (there is not!), but Arie sure made it creepy and ogle-y with his, “I’m just going to sit back and enjoy,” comment, twirling, and repeatedly saying he wanted to spoil her (which also isn’t inherently bad, but just came off so icky). This was just one of A LOT of indicators that Arie really digs the patriarchy (I hate saying the word patriarchy).
5. “I want this also to be about you,” Arie lies through his teeth to Krystal after talking about himself for an entire day.
4. Guys! Arie claims to grab Brittany first to check up on her demolition injuries, but how dumb does he think we are? Clearly that was later in the night! There were only a few women in the room! Lauren S. grabbed him first! Don’t do things like this, ABC, because it just makes us realize how artificial and contrived the whole show is.
3. YIKES, Jenny has never been dumped before so she thinks it’s cool to say, “I’m not sad about leaving you, I’m sad about leaving my friends,” which, sure, but is something a 13-year-old would say at the end of a breakup.
2. Lol I was writing a comment about how Krystal (who I don’t like at all) is there to build a relationship not to follow reality show etiquette as she came to steal Arie for the second time and I immediately deleted what I’d written. That is definitely super grating.
1. Arie says if it works out with Krystal (it won’t) that he wants to give her an amazing life with stability. It’s…a nice thought, but just a really dated, patriarchal (ARIE YOU MADE ME TYPE THIS WORD TWICE) way to approach a partnership.
And now my random thoughts/predictions:
- I think the two Beccas are our frontrunners. The flirtatious vibe with Bekah is out of control and he seems to dig the idea of spoiling Becca (/being the star in their relationship).
- I think Krystal and Chelsea will last a little bit but not very long, but I’m sure they’ll each get a disproportionate amount of screen time.
- Okay, have you ever let a someone else put your earring in? This seems frightening. Once my husband helped me untangle one from my hair and lost my beautiful earring in the ocean so…
- I really like Bekah (even though she reminds me of Miley Cyrus) and Seinne and Tia seems fun.
- The moment of Chelsea gushing about motorcycles and Krystal butting in with her (true) Debbie downer insight was amazing TV.
- Timely Oprah joke!
See y’all next week where we can start to learn more than five of the women’s names.
*Feature image source: twiiter.com/BachelorABC