The Bachelor Recap: Everything is Awful

YOU GUYS. This episode was SO. SO. SO bad.

I actually had to pause the episode to take calming breaths. Not to be a huge downer, but I’m feeling kind of icky and like I shouldn’t be supporting this sexist show?

Yes, duh, this show has always been sexist, but tonight was a really rough one with nonsense coming from all sides. And Arie just… sucks? UGH.

PSA, I might have blacked out in self-preservation so if I missed something awful, I am sorry.

Okay, let’s try to infuse some joy into this snark (spoiler: I failed). Oh, and obviously 10 was not enough.

Here are the 14 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 3

14. Okay, um, don’t bring Kenny back because then I’ll spend the rest of the episode wishing Kenny was our Bachelor. What if we just cancel the season right now and start over with Kenny?

13. Oh lord, Annaliese has yet another phobia. I mean, here’s the thing- dog trauma is real! Crazy dog person here (would never have married someone who didn’t love my Ella) who completely understands dog phobias. But Christ, girl. Maybe don’t try to marry a dog person?

12. Chelsea wants to discover herself through someone else. NOPE, you just described codependency perfectly.

11. Bekah feels so blessed, you guys. This barely likable man thinks she’s worthy of a rose, so she is so filled with gratitude. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

10. What in the hell was happening when Marikh pulled up Lauren B.’s dress to take money out of her underwear? What am I watching again?

9. Raise your hand if you’re surprised Krystal thinks other girls don’t like her because they’re jealous of her. No one? Literally zero people in the entire world?

8. Pretty fucked up of the producers to let Arie take woman after woman to Bibiana’s cabana situation. I know he didn’t like her, but still.

7. Ugh, Bekah becomes more of a manic pixie dream girl every episode, but tonight she also had “cool girl” from Gone Girl vibes. Just because you are down with all the insulting bullying from the GLOW ladies, doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be. How are Tia and Bibiana’s tears negatively affecting you? Get over yourself.

6. This show often paints single moms one-dimensionally as these heroes who must not have flaws and that is super problematic. Moms are humans just like everyone else. But… we don’t really need to swing the pendulum the opposite direction with Bekah telling Arie he likes to date moms because he likes to be needed. Single moms don’t need his sorry ass!

5. Arie is “extremely proud” of all the women for fake wrestling. I HATE when adults are proud of other adults; stop trying to have ownership over someone else’s accomplishments you had nothing to do with (also this date was dumb, nothing to be proud of).

4. Ah, thanks Chris for giving us a glimpse of the night to come as you started our episode with, “Behind every good man is  a strong woman.” Fuck that. Men suck. Women rule the world. (Okay, I’m really just over this, is it obvious?)

3. The demeaning bullying from the GLOW women was not what wrestling is about and YES, I have watched WWE, Bekah, so shut up. It’s like they were told to be as sexist, borderline racist, and disgusting as possible and they sure as hell delivered.

2. The costumes and personalities for the GLOB wrestling were literally ALL horrible. Krystal is a cougar? She’s 29 years old, seven years Arie’s junior, so not quite over the hill yet, you guys. Bekah was a sex kitten? Marikh was a gold digger?? Bibiana was bridezilla??? Nope. NOPE.

1. Tia tells Arie she doesn’t like to feel emotions because they make her feel weak. (Guys! Can we start providing free therapy to these contestants? Emotions are a part of life— ignoring them doesn’t make you strong, it makes you ill-prepared to survive). And Arie, no lie, tells her he likes that she was upset (ummm?) because then he can make her feel better which helps him feel LIKE A MAN. WHAT. WHAT. This is so, so horrible on so many levels.

And now my few remaining random thoughts/predictions:

  • As soon as I saw Arie eating the food on his date with Lauren S., I knew she wasn’t long for this world.
  • Pretty sure Lauren B. is a sleeper frontrunner based on Arie’s interactions with her at the cocktail party. She’s fine.
  • Tia is cute and charming, even if she does have misguided beliefs about emotion.
  • Y’all, Arie has straight up kissed 16 girls, that is ridiculous.
  • I don’t know, he likes some of the other women? I can’t even anymore.
  • Oh yeah! Fred Willard was there! That was cool!

Alright, you guys, let’s get honest. I’m already extremely over this season. I’m very committed to bringing y’all this recap, but I am not sure I have the heart to do it if it stays this bad. Fingers crossed next week is better. I won’t give up easy, I promise you that!



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