The Bachelor Recap: Off to the Races

Oh my gosh! It’s Bachelor season! The Bachelor is Arie! Wow!

If I yell into my keyboard enough will something resembling genuine excitement and interest materialize? No? Darn.

Well, here we are with a Bachelor I sincerely could not care less about. I totally liked him on Emily’s season! He’s, you know, fine? Besides the fact that he notoriously scams for girls at sorority parties and treats the women he dates like crap, there’s nothing else horrible about him? Ah, the high praise we all want to hear of our leading man.

But okay, I promise to be a good sport and try my hardest to like him and these women… in between pointing out everything horrible they do, of course.

So, let’s discuss night one. It was really boring, right?

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 1

10. Maquel totally takes pictures like I would if I was pretending to be a photographer for a game of charades.

9. When Arie and Krystal are talking, he says, “tell me more about you,” and she replies, “I’m a Libra.” LOL, I can’t. What is he supposed to do with that information?

8. Okay, hi, you don’t pick someone who was on this show five years ago because like, are we really supposed to still be heartbroken for him about an eight (?) week relationship that ended FIVE YEARS AGO?  Do they want us to think he still cares about this? Because I sure as hell do not.

7. These limo exits and first conversations were SO AWKWARD! Literally all of them! Is it Arie’s fault? I felt like we watched him check each one of them out in slow motion, it was so bizarre.

6. Apparently one of the producers’ feeder lines was, “Did you come all this way to get sent home on night one?” since we heard it at least five times. NO SHIT, you guys. The other feeder line was, “this world we live in.”

5. I am very sorry that Jessica’s dad died, but honey, you don’t go on a reality show to try to marry someone just because your dad met him. Didn’t your dad meet a bunch of normal people too?

4. It was technically a throwaway line and we didn’t even see who said it, but we of course got the, “claws are coming out,” line we hear at least once a season. We get it, you think women are catty bitches, MOVE ON.

3. Oh Christ, did Ali really ask him to smell her armpits so she could make a pit stop joke? Just because the producer suggests you make a fool of yourself, does not mean you have to say the words.

2. Ugh, Chelsea is mean and entitled and not clever or interesting and she has insane bone structure.

1. ABC always loves to do a “HE’S SO HOT,” montage in every season, but they’re really stretching the limits when armpit girl says that the older men get, the more attractive they get. <I really gotta figure out how to put emoji in here because I would prefer this text block to instead be 14 eye roll emojis.>

Night one is over and honestly, I don’t have any solid predictions for you nor am I particularly invested in even one of the girls. But here are my best random thoughts/predictions:

  • So many backless dresses!
  • Krystal got special limo exit music so she’s sticking around awhile, but apparently as a villain? I don’t like how she sometimes has a normal voice and sometimes has a hot girl cartoon character voice.
  • I think I like Bekah a lot but she is SO manic pixie dream girl.
  • Um.. other people were okay? Tia will probably go far and I don’t know how to feel about that yet, but I of course love Raven so I’ll give her a chance.
  • No weird gimmicks so far. I always hate them, but I kind of missed it?

Alright, well, here’s hoping next week’s episode is more interesting! Either way, I’ll be here whining for you. Thanks for joining!



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