The Bachelor Recap: MEH

Oh boy, you guys. We had a finale! It went how I expected! I could not be less invested in a couple!

Look, we all know the producers love to edit this show into oblivion so we know Vanessa and Nick must have had more fun than they showed us and the fact that they have serious conversations is technically a good sign for their relationship.

But GOSH, could they seem like a more miserable couple?? He clearly loves her! She clearly has emotions invested and I guess she loves him too (I’m cranky)! But they make love look like war for crying out loud.

I do not have high hopes for them, but I do really want to see Nick happy so if this is what he wants, more power to him, blah blah blah. Let’s get to it.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 11

10. Oh for crying out loud, Nick and Vanessa met “Santa”? Eye rolling so hard.

9. My patience with Neil Lane is really wearing thin since he keeps bringing hideous rings even though trends have changed so much but a ring is CLASSIC, not classical, you idiot. Take your ugly rings away from here, PLEASE!

8. Gross. Chris Harrison says the special moment is going to knock our Spanx off and now I think I should never watch this show again?

7. Nick says Vanessa wants reassurances that aren’t realistic in the hopes that she can have a perfect story which sums her up pretty perfectly and…. doesn’t put her in the best light.

6. Vanessa talks nonstop about how Nick needs to be ready to compromise, but has never shown any sign that she’s willing to compromise or change her life at all. Compromise goes both ways! That’s why it’s called compromise. (In retrospect, she is moving to the U.S., but still, you get what I’m saying.)

5. I think we’re supposed to think that Vanessa’s honesty with Nick’s family was a sign of commitment and maturity, but I really hated her asking his dad if love was enough to make a relationship work. No. Are you 12? Obviously not.

4. I swear to God, they could not have talked about this not being Nick’s first rodeo more. For crying out loud, WE KNOW ANDI AND KAITLYN BROKE HIS HEART. If you played a drinking game around this, I am sorry for the huge hospital bill you are facing.

3. Vanessa was on air at “After the Final Rose” for maybe 30 seconds before she started talking about their relationship challenges and how tough it’s been. Girl. Girl. You’re making this ten times harder than it needs to be.

2. I’m a little over this assumption from the franchise that being a strong, independent woman means you’re difficult and (though unsaid) unpleasant. This is a false construct! You can be strong and not make everything immensely complicated and dramatic. Gah, this is basically why I can’t watch Shonda Rhimes shows anymore because drama doesn’t equal love.

1. The editors have got to get a new thing going because they make this show so predictable for anyone who’s watched more than one season. All the “things are tough” editing screams, “THIS IS THE WINNER” just like all the “everything is perfect and lovely” editing screams, “SHE DOESN’T WIN.” It makes this show not suspenseful and honestly not interesting and I’m over it. And it makes us not like the winner as much! In trying so hard to confuse us, they end up making it ridiculously obvious.

And now for my favorite moments of the show:

Here are the 5 Best Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 11

5. When Vanessa says, “thanks for choosing me,” Nick replies, “thanks for choosing me!” which was very cute.

4. Nick dancing while ice skating was ADORABLE and makes me almost okay with him doing Dancing with the Stars.

3. Raven telling Bella she wouldn’t like Vanessa was pure gold! Raven saying, “I know” to Nick’s, “I’ll miss you,” was even better.

2. Chris Harrison makes a Trump joke by saying it’s not as easy for Vanessa (a Canadian) to move to America as it used to be. Okay, I forgive you for the Spanx joke.

1. I was hardcore team Raven and super appreciate her approach to trying to keep their relationship happy and fun-loving. You can be serious and committed without being miserable all the time. She’s going to paradise! I’m very excited.

I would like to state for the record that as soon as he said the surprise was for Rachel, I guessed that they were starting tonight (you can confirm this with my husband and bestie Kathleen). I’M A PROFESSIONAL BACHELOR WATCHER!

This rapid introduction with no editing of Rachel’s first men proved why we need editing, so I guess I should temper my number one complaint from the finale. Anyways, the white men SUCKED and were not that cute and the black men were perfect angels. CAN’T WAIT.

I have incredibly high hopes for Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette – don’t let me down, guys! See y’all in a few months. 



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