The Bachelor Recap: Making History

We’re BACK!! It’s Bachelor season again and I’m so excited.

Look, if you were here for my Katilyn recaps, you know that I was not originally a fan of Nick, but at the end of the day, guys are all monsters occasionally (okay, women too, whatever). And I have long thought he was much more wonderful than monster.

Tonight’s premiere just fully reinforced how wonderful Nick is and what a great Bachelor he’ll make. Like, yes, I wish he would open his mouth more when he talks. And sometimes, I’m like, we get it, you want to bone everyone.

But his introduction opener was probably the most charming one I’ve ever seen for a Bachelor? And he was sassy and funny and charming throughout the entire episode. Seriously. Nick’s the best.

Like he’s so the best, we have to add a “The Best Things Nick Did This Episode” section to our recaps because otherwise, it’s going to be really hard to get all my gushing in.

Let’s end on that happy note and start with the traditional recapping of all the sexism, subtle racism, slut-shaming etc. that truly defines this show, our favorite show.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 1

10. Oh lord, Alexis. This dolphin obsession. I mean. Do I have to talk about this? Please don’t make me.

9. Angela gave Nick a picture frame with a Sex and the City Quote on it, stop it right now. I can’t even talk about this, it is so high school and basic.

8. Taylor, who I really want to like despite that fact that she is 23 (Nick is old!), introduces herself to Nick by telling him that her friends think he’s a piece of shit. Um, cool! You seem so nice!

7. Lord almighty, Josephine made Nick eat a cold hotdog. Josephine is too much. Look, we know you’ll be around long enough to make it to Paradise, but can we just speed up the rejection process?

6. Hailey made the most cringe-worthy introduction joke I’ve ever heard about not wearing underwear. No, Hailey. If you want to tell him you’re not wearing underwear, find a better way.

5. Stop it right now, Corinne is 24-years-old and has a nanny. Literally there is nothing she can do that will make me forgive this thing I know about her.

4. Okay, I always like the old Bachelor advice-giving so I can check in on Sean (my former favorite Bachelor) (sorry, it’s Nick now), but this segment was so annoying. First of all, ban Chris Soules from my TV. Second of all, Ben goes on about how when Nick proposes, he’s also asking forgiveness for all of his mistakes. Like no, that is not how relationships work. He didn’t do anything to these women! He’s never met (most of) them! Your past doesn’t dictate anything.

3. Liz, girl, I really wanted to like you, but Nick is right! You are handling this whole previous hook up thing horribly. Nick is nice! He remembers sex! And he remembers that you’ve never reached out to him until you could be on TV to do so. Wipe that smug look off your face, you’ve got some work to do.

2. Corinne gives Nick hug/kiss tokens? Yuck and a half. No, you can kiss and hug women when they want you to, not because you have payment.

1. It took 40 minutes for us to hear “husband material” and 63 minutes to hear “cat fights” and although that is quite good for this show, I’m incredibly disappointed that both came from women. Be the strong empowered woman! Not the one who says the claws are coming out.

And now, for the best moments from Nick (I’ll make it quick, I promise).

Here are the 5 Best Things That Nick Did on The Bachelor: Episode 1

5. Nick with this shark costume was brilliant. He was not letting her call it a dolphin and I could not be more into it.

4. Nick’s little one-liners made this show more enjoyable than ever. “Can’t wait to meet her friends,” he quips after Taylor bizarrely tells him her friends hate him.

3. Nick is not about to let Liz sneak onto this show for her chance at Instagram fame (seriously not knocking that- work it, girls) without calling her out for never reaching out to him. Their conversation was so incredibly awkward and I loved it. Go Nick.

2. Omg Nick gives a little speech about wanting his partner to be empowered and strong and truly his partner and then he fumbles his words and says “I’m killing it!” and I’ve officially melted.

1. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR HE GAVE RACHEL THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!! I mean, technically this speaks more highly for Rachel and how great she is, but for sure she’s the first black woman over 30 to ever get a first impression rose. THIS IS HOW WE MAKE HISTORY YOU GUYS.

Some random thought and predictions:

Okay, this is for Nick AND the women, but I’m very into everyone’s approach to sex this season! It’s 2017 and we have finally admitted that sex is important to relationships! And women have sex! On national television!!
I’m obviously very into Rachel and I think blonde Danielle makes it pretty far? But, I don’t think either are our winner? I think we have a lot of sleeper cell brunettes but I’m not sure who yet.
Corinne and Jasmine are our villains, obviously, yawn.
Josephine is our Lace, Alexis will be cooler than she came off tonight, and Vanessa is a frontrunner.
No way Nick sleeps with Corinne before fantasy suites. He ain’t stupid, honey.