The Bachelor Recap: I Love Yous All Around

Well, goodness.

I think it’s been clear from all of my recaps that I’m not a huge Ben fan since he Is so boring and average and has a victim complex. But this week, we have moved into full on Ben-hating territory.

We’ve of course known for awhile that he told two women he loved them and while I’ve always know that was pretty messed up, it didn’t’ become quite so clear until we saw it and saw its disastrous effects this week. Okay, sure, no disaster yet. BUT THERE WILL BE A DISASTER. And it’s 100% Ben’s fault.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 9

10. Is Caila a witch? Where does her hair magic come from? I’m counting how perfect her hair looked just after waking up as a bad thing because that is just straight unfair.

9. No, we did not just watch Ben and Lauren pray over the turtles. Look, if there’s anything worthy of prayer in my mind, it’s cute and kind of helpless animals, but no thank you. Let’s keep the prayer out of our Bachelor viewing, okay? If we really want to talk about God on this show, let’s talk about what he would feel about the premise of the show because, yeah, that conversation wouldn’t go well.

8. For real Ben starts his date with Caila saying he’s worried she’s too smiley and bubbly all the time and then when she finally isn’t because she’s feeling rightfully scared to be in a relationship with this selfish man, he immediately is upset that she’s not being her perfect happy self. Dude. Dude.

7. Oh good lord almighty Ben drives me crazy when he’s like, “She’s back to being the women that I know and the woman I enjoy spending time with.” This time, he says it about Caila after she’s kind of awkward on a date, but he’s said it before. Girls, you are not allowed to ever be in a mood with Ben because then YOU ARE NOT THE WOMAN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH.

6. Why did the producers let Caila surprise him when they knew that he was sitting there thinking about dumping her? If I was her, I would never speak to my producer again. And though I feel bad for her, what kind of show was she putting on when she walked around laughing to herself looking for Ben? Girl was hamming it up.

5. Ben says, “Knowing I have to break a women’s heart does not feel good.” No shit, dude. But that’s your job on this show! Can you think about how SHE might feel and not how you’re going to feel for one second?

4. Why on earth did he tell Caila that he’s in love with two other women? WHY?! Why. He then goes on to tell her that she’s his perfect wife. Literally, that was the worst way to break up with someone.

3. While Ben is busy telling two different women he loves them, he’s not going to bother thinking about the decisions that are in the future. Because, you know, that would require showing consideration and compassion for these women instead of doing whatever makes him feel fuzzy inside.

2. JoJo tells Ben that after today (when he told her he loved her minutes after telling Lauren the same thing), she feels safe to get excited about a future with him. You are not safe!! No one is safe on this show. God damn you, Ben Higgins, for making her feel safe when she absolutely is not. No sir. No sir.

1. It became clear how totally, totally fucked up it was for Ben to tell two women he loved them when we saw JoJo’s face crumple into joy/confusion/relief when Ben told her he loved her. Like, for real? You’re going to do that to two different women who now both think you’re going to choose them and propose to them? That is fucked up. I don’t care how good your intentions were, you know the deal here- you know you only get to choose one because, hi, this isn’t Utah and you are so selfish that you can’t not tell them? No. No. No. No. His people pleasing tendencies have gone TOO FAR. He just likes the feeling of making people happy and that’s his number one priority all the time. You are a grown man and should put the long-term feelings of these women ahead of your desire to feel warm and fuzzy one night. You are the worst, Ben.

Man, I’m still holding on to my prediction that he picks Lauren, but he really did up the JoJo affection this episode! That said, JoJo is looking at their relationship as a fairytale and Lauren seems a little more grounded in reality. That bodes well for her.

My random thoughts and predictions on the ladies:

  • Dude, Sandals Jamaica resorts are actually the perfect place to fall in love- that is the first time they’ve said that and not been lying. Praise Sandals forever.
  • I am so proud of Lauren’s hair in Jamaica! Mine struggled so hard when I was there and we’ve seen hers flounder (in the Bahaams). You go, Lauren’s hair!
  • JoJo’s boobs were the stars of this episode, don’t lie.
  • The first and only moment I’ve really been endeared to Caila was when she said, “that sounds like a line” to Ben after he dumped her. But then she ruined it by getting out of the car.
  • ABC truly, truly offended me during the preview when they said Ben was the most popular Bachelor in history. What a LIE. A LIE. We all know it’s Sean Lowe.

See y’all next week! I’m about to go read some spoilers now that I’ve served my duty as unbiased recapper until now.



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