The Bachelor Recap: The Wink Heard Round the World

Well, we had an episode of  last night! Stuff happened! It was…. mildly entertaining?

I felt pretty underwhelmed by this episode. Honestly, it felt exactly like every other episode this season: Olivia is delusional, everyone is insecure, the sweet girls are still sweet, Ben needs comforting, etc. etc. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of horrible things happened, but mostly it was just kind of blah.

THAT SAID, y’all catch that smoldering wink Ben gave to Lauren H. during their walk in the fashion show? I mean, SWOON AND A HALF.

Let’s get into this week’s episode so we can move on and get into whatever crazy drama happens next week. (Don’t you dare make me think it will actually be dramatic and then bore me again, ABC. Don’t you DARE!)

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 5

10. All these girls need to stop calling Ben their boyfriend. Wise former Bachelor “winner” Catherine Lowe tweeted last week that the girls shouldn’t call the Bachelor their boyfriend until they’re one of the final four women. REAL. Real. Calm down.

9. “He’s mine. It’s not even a want anymore, it’s like a need. Like, I need him.” Says Olivia, the woman who has never had a one-on-one date with Ben.

8. Jubilee gets mad Ben is with Lauren B. for so long so she asks Leah to go interrupt them. Like, GIRL. Why can’t you go interrupt them? Straight rude.

7. All the women on the group date get so mad when Olivia gets Ben as her partner for cooking, but guys! Guys. Do you not see how she always stands next to him and only cares about her relationship with Ben? You should all be doing that! I’m not saying you need to be mean or inconsiderate or generally awful, but you don’t need to get mad at Olivia for putting Ben first. Like… that’s the idea here.

6. Ben pulls the ultimate Bachelor dick move by waking the women up at 4 AM (seriously, the Bachelorettes never do this). Except someone definitely told Amanda that Ben was waking her up because girlfriend had on FULL makeup and the intentionally loose wavy hair of all successful Bachelor contestants. Let’s not pretend she naturally looks like this. BUT also, let’s not use that as reason to lower her worth. You know what lowers her worth? Sleeping in a full face of makeup to look hot for someone she wants to marry. (Just kidding, that doesn’t either, but stop sleeping in makeup, you guys.)

5. Ben continues to inexplicably tell all of the women about his feelings for one specific woman- this time, Jubilee. He’s so sad because he’s so tired of dumping so many women!  POOR BEN, let’s all worry about his poor sad heart as he continues to date multiple women!!

4. Ben has a thing for broken women. Literally as soon as someone tells him about how they were cheated on, or how they’re were an orphan, or anything hard and human at all, he’s immediately smitten. I get you want to be a prince who saves a woman, dude, but you can like people for other reasons, you know?

3. Emily, honey. You are right! Olivia is the worst. But you need to stop obsessing right now. You’re not going to get anywhere with Ben if you keep crying about Olivia. You are 23 though so probably you’re not really expecting to get married to this guy anyways (hopefully).

2. “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom that I watch,” says Olivia, awful monster. In what universe would this be an acceptable thing to say OUT LOUD in front of someone who is clearly a thoughtful mother? Mean, mean girl- not buying the “socially awkward” thing anymore.

1. I can’t believe we have to talk about this “you’re ready to get married when you can cook” nonsense. For real, is it 1952? Does this rule also apply to men? Or not because, as the date card said, cooking is the way to a man’s heart and I guess not a woman’s? There are actually ZERO skills you need to have to get married. Besides, like, being in a loving, committed relationship.

Y’all know how much I HATE a cliffhanger episode sans rose ceremony. I need this rose ceremony structure in my life, Christopher Harrison. I need it. But I mean, I also am not invested in any of these women yet so I don’t really care that much.

In other meh feelings, I am kind of sad to see Jubilee go. I’m not surprised! And honestly, I feel like it’s better she goes out now before she can continue imploding, but I will miss her sassiness. And while I get why Ben let her go and think it was actually pretty decent, it’s not hard to see that he doesn’t actually think complicated is a good thing or know how to deal with complicated.

My random thoughts and predictions on the ladies:

  • Ugh, I actually liked Lauren H. this week! Why did she have to say that awful crap about the soccer moms a few weeks ago? I’m going to punish her in my mind until the next episode and then I’ll try to erase that comment from my heart and give her a fair chance.
  • OF COURSE Becca and JoJo were cooking partners. I mostly like them and most of the time they seem nice, but they are so the “cool girls.” OF COURSE they’d become besties.
  • Don’t you think it’s kind of awkward when people call out their shitty exes on national TV when their shitty ex is also the father of their children? I mean, he sounds like he deserves it and all, but also #uncomfortable.

Come on, next week! You can spice it up, I just know it. See y’all then!



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