The Bachelorette Recap: Who’s the Bigger Weenie?

I was not expecting to enjoy tonight’s episode! I really thought it was going to be boring town, but hey! It was actually pretty good.

But let me be real upfront with y’all. I have this tendency to just really want a happy ending on this joke of a show. So, I decide about two episodes in what I think that is and then choose to not really acknowledge all the shit I hate about someone because I want them to win so badly. That’s kind of what I’m doing with Shawn.

I cut him a lot of slack because I really think he’s into Kaitlyn and they would work well together, at least for a little bit, which is more than you can say about 50% of the other couples in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. But MAN is he being a butt a lot.

And also, I just straight don’t like Nick. So I do the opposite here — where I should cut him some slack, I instead gag into my whine glass, and when he is being an ass, I yell really loudly and scare my dog.

There’s your warning. I AM NOT IMPARTIAL. But let’s get to it.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 9

10. Everyone on this season could use some real quality time with a therapist. Why on earth does Ben H think he’s unlovable because one girl didn’t love him? Man, if we all went by that equation… oof.

9. I just. I just can’t with Nick’s “cute” smile. I know he’s trying to be cute and in person, it clearly must be charming because all these girls are falling for it. But blah, it gives me the cringies (a word I just coined to sound cute while being quite rude about someone’s face).

8. Yawn, when Ben H was talking about fantasy suites and essentially said “I respect you enough to not have sex with you.” Um, hi, she’s a grown woman. Respect her enough to have sex with her.

7. Every time I have to hear Kaitlyn say she has a spiritual connection with Nick, I die a little inside.

6. Shawn is trying to control a lot of these conversations with Kaitlyn and that is really annoying. But am I the only one that thinks it’s really unfair for her to demand that Shawn trust her when they’re not in a committed relationship yet? Why would he trust you right now? He needs to trust you by the end, but you’re sitting here telling him you need to explore but he needs to blindly trust you? Seems shady.

5. That Joe conversation was rough. The way he leaned in all skeevy like to kiss her when she asked if he could see them married? And then his line? And then Kaitlyn’s thoughts so CLEARLY on her face? And then Joe shutting off and being such a blah excuse for a man? And then Kaitlyn wanting validation from the guy she’s dumping? Just hated the whole thing. But also: bye, thanks for playing.

4. Oh my god, are you kidding me with this husband material/wife material bullshit popping up again? Guys, how many times do we have to go over this? There is no such thing as husband material or wife material! You are ALL worthy of love. Like, do you know how many weirdos out there are married? Just because one person doesn’t want to marry you, doesn’t mean you aren’t eligible for marriage! Find your little weirdo and stop listening to the people on this show.

3. Nick, man, I have been trying SO hard to give you a chance but what a whiny little brat you are being! Like, you need to chill out right now about her spending time with Shawn after the group date! You have not had half the time of everyone else! You got an overnight with her! You’re just such a weenie, I can’t even.

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2. It was so sad when Shawn ruined his great initial reaction to the Nick news by full on imploding. He handled it so well at first! I was so impressed! Then he lost his mind.

1. I hate Nick. I hate hate hate hate hate him. Way to spend so much time on your date jealous bashing Shawn and then reminding us that you came late and that you came here for her and, “omg did you remember that I came in late and the other guys didn’t like me?” You come off real bad, bro.


Other random thoughts:

  • I loved when Kaitlyn straight asked Ben H if he was a virgin. She is not messing around!
  • I am feeling this leather couch and white fur throw situation on the date with Shawn.
  • Her cocktail ceremony dress is legit. You look hot, girlfriend. I would have wanted a cocktail ceremony just so I could have more screen time in that dress.
  • Jared had a remarkably sweet exit. You’ll make some mildly crazy girl real happy on Bachelor in Paradise.
  • Is Ben H our new Bachelor candidate? Still pining hard for Ben Z, ABC producers!
  • All right Nick, we get that you worked out before this season. Put your shirt back on.
  • Nick has a mild allergy to dogs. NOW I KNOW WHY I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

Well, that’s our show, ladies and gentlemen. ABC, literally not one person cares about Britt and Brady. Someone please go in her closet and take all of her beanies and burn them. See you next week when Shawn and Nick continue to lose their minds being jealous of each other and acting like children. Catch me every Monday night tweeting along @Alicemcalex!

*Feature image source: ABC video still. Originally seen on


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