The Bachelorette Recap: Chill Out, You Guys

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. So! Good job editors on making us think all hell broke loose this week, when really it’s just your run of the mill insecure boys just being themselves. Can they give out Xanax on this show? It would help a lot, I think.

Before we get into it, let’s discuss the sex we all got to awkwardly hear while being grateful we weren’t watching the episode with anyone. I am generally on Kaitlyn’s side and think, duh of course intimacy is important.

And here’s the huge problem with this show. You can have good intimacy without having a good foundation for a relationship. And when you don’t have time to explore the intimacy thing without worrying yet about the foundation…you’re going to equate intimacy with a foundation. Hopefully that’s not what’s happening, because I’d never wish mistakes on someone. But I worry a lot. The way they’re playing it… it’s all physical right now between Nick and Kaitlyn. I know they both say it’s not, but we’re seeing no evidence to the contrary.

But guys! It’s like…their first real date! Of course it would be all physical right now! Who would actually expect someone to be in love this early on? So I don’t know, it’s just hard. I’m okay with it being all physical, except that I worry she’s putting it before other relationships and I don’t want her to make decisions she clearly feels really guilty about for just a physical connection.

But what do I know. All I’m doing is projecting my past experiences on her. Moral of the story: don’t be mean about what she did.

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SO — now that I’ve rambled on for awhile…

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 7

10. Oh god, this Britt thing isn’t even happening yet and I’m rolling my eyes. What is she wearing? What is the point of this? Just let us stalk her on instagram and be done with it.

9. Cupcake, everyone does not call Texas, “the Wild Wild West.” No.

8. Guys, be mad at Nick when he deserves it, but him going to see if Kaitlyn is okay after the Ian disaster is not him land mining you guys. Be considerate of the others to a point, but how she’s feeling should always be your number one priority. And it was for him in that moment.

7. Look, I know they talk about a lot more than they show us, but is all Nick going to talk about is how he took a risk to come on the show and why he did it and how it felt? Yawn and a half.

6. I’m not okay with this group date pretending Kaitlyn is dead. Ben Z was so spot on, “When you’ve done something like this before, it has a realness to it.” I just don’t like joking about death. It’s of course going to be hard on people who’ve dealt with death in any real and damaging way. Call me a Debbie Downer, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who felt like it was disrespectful.

5. Ugh Nick’s sexy time lines seem real textbook. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable because they aren’t things I expect to hear on the show, but it just seemed so practiced and lame and gross. “I’m dying.” “I’m feeling for you.” “I want to know every part of you.” “I saw this line in a racy rom-com when I was 16 and I still use it.”

4. Oh, Shawn, you beautiful man. I see you winking when Ben H says your name on the group date card. I see your classy group date outfit. I see you being one of the only ones we’ve seen trying to make the relationship about real life. But honey, you have GOT to calm down. This is a TV show! She can’t pick you every time or no one would keep watching. CHILL OUT, DUDE.

3. How annoying was it how Nick downplayed his extra alone time with Kaitlyn to Joe and JJ, then hears about Shawn getting alone time, and retells the story in front of Shawn, trying to make it less innocent? It’s moments like these that make you seem real shady, Nick.

2. Um hi kill me if you ever played sex sounds of mine on national television.

1. I mean, obviously Ian. Again, what a pure piece of shit garbage he is. A few thoughts I had during his goodbye:

  • Do you think Princeton is HELLA pissed because no one cool will ever want to go there again?
  • What the hell is he even talking about with this deep thinker nonsense? Do people just have long philosophical debates with their loved ones all the time and I’m the dumb one over here having fun most of the time?
  • You go, Kaitlyn! Can I get lessons in being calm and pissed as all hell from you for real?


Other random thoughts:

  • So Nick DOES do cute things, like picking her up to see the street performers. Fine, you get some points.
  • Poor Tanner on this group date and worrying about a rose. I like him a lot. Ian, this is what self-awareness looks like.
  • Ben Z IS a teddy bear.
  • Haha The Cranberries. Forever the best Cranberries in pop culture ever: Zombies
  • They are really letting us see behind the curtain this year! Interesting way to reveal a bunch of Shawn gossip, producers. I’m down.

This Joe and JJ 2:1 date is going to be at treat and a half. See you next week, where hopefully Shawn has discovered the benefits of yoga or anti-anxiety medicine. Catch me tweeting along @AliceMcAlex! (For real though, I’ll be tweeting again next week!)

*Feature image source: ABC video still.


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