Oh, drama drama drama! No one is going to be happy for long in this little Bachelorette land — least of all, the audience who got ZERO rose ceremonies last night. Should I write a letter to Chris Harrison telling him to stop this new format? He’d listen, right??
Before we start our list recap, let’s address the weenie elephant in the room.
So…this Nick situation. Look, I’ve liked a lot of pretty horrible people in my days (hey! You have too, admit it) and I don’t really think it’s fair to say Kaitlyn is horrible for liking someone horrible. Every single Bachelor/Bachelorette has been into someone really god awful for a long time and it doesn’t mean they’re just as bad. But like…I’m just SAD. I’m just SAD we have to watch weenie Nick again all season and I’m SAD that they may end up together and that would make me REALLY SAD and I’m SAD that it is making some of the boys be jealous babies (rightfully so, but still sucks) and I’m SAD that we have to talk about him so much and I’m SAD that his hair is still like that and no one has said, “Dude, you look like a tool, stop it.” But… I mean. She was right to bring him on when her draw to him was so strong. I am hopeful he’s not her guy, but she would definitely always wonder and that causes all sorts of tension. So. WHATEVER.
Now, let’s get to it.
Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 5
10. Poor Cupcake Chris and Kaitlyn have just zero chemistry. I was, like, almost in pain from the awkwardness. What a sad waste of a pity rose.
9. Oh no, Ian, what is going on with you. He is dropping hard in my eyes. He’s quite the meddler isn’t he? Was way too involved in Tony last week and is giving little speeches to JJ. Also, he is a man of many talents and he just wants to showcase some of them! Hi, gagging. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
8. Ugh New York City, am I right? Okay, you all know my feelings on the place already and BLAH it can be lovely and all. But how miserable did this time look? It snowed AND rained AND fog monstered and I bet my hair looked bad that whole week and I was like HELLO GUYS IT’S APRIL WHAT’S GOING ON. Also, like, please don’t try to pretend that Times Square is not hell on earth, boys. It actually is.
7. Clint is buckling his belt as he walks over to get told off by Kaitlyn? Why is your belt off?? You’re in public! Also, him trying to convince her to let him stay by talking about JJ was just too perfect.
6. Why was that Clint goodbye situation forced to be so horrible? It was so weird for Kaitlyn to do it that way in front of all the guys, no? And then in the long awkward silence, JJ of all people demands an apology?? That whole thing was so weird, but it showcased yet again how much JJ loves to talk during Kaitlyn’s time, to interrupt Kaitlyn, to make bad jokes loudly at the worst moments and to just be the worst.
5. Here’s the thing. That JJ Clint confrontation felt hella staged. It was horrible and all but it sure seemed planned or fake or forced or something. It felt off to me, but yeah, those boys are too much. I’m sure they’re besties again now. But not before we got to witness grown men acting like children all up in each other’s faces. Bye, Clint!
4. Haha JJ is nuts, man. Just cry, dude. Don’t freaking slap yourself like a psychopath on the loose! But I really loved when he was hunched over crying and you could hear loud laughter in the house. That was fun.
3. Well, Nick is here, I guess. I just don’t get it, really, but he DOES remind me of some boys who were huge mistakes in my past. He’s immediately very familiar with her: tugging her braid, kissing her right away, acting like they’re legit dating already. I’ve seen your moves before, mister, and they may work, but that does not mean I respect them.
2. These boys are NOT dealing well with the Nick introduction. I so get it, I also so hate it. But it’s just bringing out all the crazy in people I really like! Shawn thinks he’s the winner already and I also get that, but it’s a little presumptuous. Tanner (who has been quite a gem) is kind of melting down and apparently reads tabloids. And oh no, Joshua is about to have a rage explosion. Get it together, guys!
1. JJ’s rap battle, you guys. Maybe don’t try slant rhymes in a one minute rap battle? Also what an idiot saying “New York hoes” in New York but also…any guy that calls women hoes is just garbage in my eyes.
Other random thoughts:
- Legit had no idea who Justin was before this episode. Welcome to the show, I guess?
- Kardashian Ashley (I say as a compliment) def seemed to be flirting with Nick in the audience. I don’t like that guy, I tell you!
- Poor Doug E. Fresh. None of these white boys have any idea who you are! It’s okay, we all had fun.
- “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants” was my favorite Katilyn jab of the night.
- Justin (who?) got a sick Notebook burn in against Shawn (saying in the end she forgot him) and that was très enjoyable.
- The producers are just having fun with us. That elevator music as Nick is going up to the boys room was classic.
- Why are Britt and Brady wearing black skinny jeans on the beach? Sigh.
I’m ready for this sex scandal. Soon? Not next week, probably. Catch me every Monday night tweeting along @Alicemcalex!
*Feature image source: ABC. Originally seen on eonline.com