So I really wasn’t going to watch this season of The Bachelorette. I thought I was finally, really done being a part of Bachelor Nation (their name, not mine, obviously) after watching the show on and off (mostly on…) since I was 14 years old. This two Bachelorette twist was just too far.
I was at my breaking point because generally, these shows are pretty demeaning and sexist and the notions of love/sex/marriage presented are so outdated. I hate that young girls watch and think being a virgin is the most desirable thing and getting married is the only honorable goal. But then! On top of all of this, the producers decide to take The Bachelorette, the show that actually gives women power, and put the men in charge again. Yet again, the men get to decide “who would make a better wife.”
But alas, here I am, a mere two months after promising in public to never watch this show again…watching the show again.
Out of pure barbaric curiosity? Because I have no self-control? So I can support Kaitlyn who I think is a true gem? Because hate watching something awful is the very best? For whatever reason, I’ve given in. BUT I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
Each episode, I’ll recap the 10 worst things that happened, in order of how loudly they made me yell at my TV. Let’s begin!
The 10 Worst Things That Happened This Week on The Bachelorette: Episode 1
10. Josh the exotic dancer/almost-lawyer is surprised he hasn’t found a woman to settle down with while stripping! Also, how small was that strip club? Color me uncomfortable if I ever catch myself there.
9. Jared wears a “Love Man” t-shirt under his dress shirt, shows it to the girls, makes me feel guilty for texting my friend that this dude is quite the loser.
8. Producers have Kaitlyn and Britt stand way too close to each other during the Limo exits, making everyone uncomfortable. Why are we doing this two bachelorette thing again?
7. Ryan M gets “white-boy wasted” (thanks, Kupah), talks about how horned up he is, asks JJ why he isn’t raping him (Wait, is this something people say? Stop it), and fights with anyone he can. I have to give him props for not spilling his beer as he falls out of the pool though- a professional drunk!
6. The “Amateur Sex Coach” (who for the record has coached 0 people – so in other words, he’s unemployed) has apparently never seen a drunk guy before so he decides to confront Drunk Ryan about being a dick. This goes over really well.
5. Britt continues to be the worst – being pretty entitled the whole first half assuming she’s winning; being rude about Kaitlyn because she makes jokes; getting upset because Kaitlyn spent four seconds more than her with the guys. LOL, honey, you broke the rules every chance you got in Chris’s season.
4. At least two contestants rank Britt on a 1 to 10 scale. Jonathan makes my least favorite “mmm” sounds at Britt like he’s going to eat her. Ryan B calls her a Disney princess- like hi, this is something a mom can make charming, not a grown man. Gross, guys. Like, we get it, she’s beautiful- stop being disgusting.
3. Kupah so wisely tells the others that Britt is “like a trophy wife” and Kaitlyn is “like a wife” and that he wants a trophy wife. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
2. Britt says, “In 30 seconds, I have to prove myself as wife material.” This is my whole problem with this setup! There is NO SUCH THING AS WIFE MATERIAL. A woman’s worth is not determined by a man’s opinion- least of all these jokers’ opinions.
1. Drunk Ryan grabs Kaitlyn’s butt without her permission! Instead of escorting him out immediately, security/producers/Chris Harrison wait until he’s even more of a mess and then hardly acknowledge that he groped a woman without her consent. UGH rape culture, am I right?
Oof, what a great start.
And based on just the episode (I promise not to read spoilers for the first time ever!), here are my predictions:
- I think Kaitlyn is winning. I really hope Kaitlyn is winning or I’m not watching anymore. (I’m serious this time!)
- If she wins:
- Ian makes it real far – they didn’t show him a ton which is usually how they play the winner, but they showed him enough for us to see how beautiful and sweet he is. Ian’s my favorite!
- Jonathan is a real smooth talker and gets relatively far before Kaitlyn realizes he’s just a player.
- If JJ lasts, he annoys the crap out of everyone. I’m already over him.
- They’re hyping that Shawn B connection a little too much. He is this season’s Britt.
- Ben Z is so pretty and sweet, please let him stay forever (this is not a prediction).
I’ll see you back here tomorrow, hopefully triumphantly recapping Kaitlyn’s first rose ceremony. Catch me every Monday night tweeting along @Alicemcalex!
* Feature image source: The Bachelorette on ABC, via https://twitter.com/BacheloretteABC