Ranking the Dumbest Things I Care About

You know when you get upset about something silly and some cranky jerk says to you, “there are starving children in Africa, get over yourself”? I hate that.

Now obviously there are so many injustices happening around the world and so many things that should break our heart and inspire us to action. I hope you do care about those things! I hope you purposely find ways in your life to make a difference in the areas that break your heart the most. But stop it right now, bullying people who care about things you find insignificant.

There is no mechanism inside of us that only allows you to care about serious issues. Having the capacity to care about the minutia of your life is a gift, honestly. I can be really upset about all of the homeless children in my town/country/world and still find joy around me. I can worry about the bleak futures of children facing insurmountable odds and still be sad when my hair looks bad.

All of that said, I care about a lot of dumb shit.

Here’s a ranking of the dumbest things I care about, starting with the “eh, I feel like other people worry about this too” ones and ending with the “I try to only talk to Warren about this” ones. All delivered exactly how they come out in my brain as I sit here and obsess.

The Dumbest Things I Care About

10. Do the servers at my salad place think I’m sad because I get the same salad every day?

9. UGH my Nike app is so rude to me because it thinks I never run, but hello, I just run without my phone in the summer. Can you stop saying “Good job getting out there today!” in that really condescending tone?

8. I want to tweet complain about something but I know that friend who reads all my tweets does the thing I’m complaining about and will she think I’m subtweeting? I’m not subtweeting, it’s just a funny tweet! And like maybe I’m kind of tweeting about her but not exactly. What is subtweeting, really?

7. Okay, seriously, do these girls on this train really think we want to hear about what eagle eye necklace they bought at the sample sale yesterday? It is 8:00 AM we all want to read our books or try not to actually fall asleep or dread the day ahead in complete silence, for crying out loud. Also, what is an eagle eye necklace?

6. Why does Ella go and sit with Warren after I just ran with her and took care of her? Shouldn’t she want to cuddle me? Does she think I’m an absent mother? Oh god, I am an absent mother.

5. Which dainty gold charm necklace goes best with this dress? The heart one, definitely the heart one. No wait, the dove one.

4. Does that person with a real book think I’m ruining the print industry because I have a kindle? I also buy the printed version too! This is just easier to hold on the train and ugh, I really like it too. OH GOD, I’ve betrayed the books.

3. Hmm, it’s 73% humidity right now (7:32 AM). That’s a little high for my hair. Do you think if I refresh the weather app every three minutes, it will go down to 66% humidity by the time I have to leave the house (8:10 AM)? I think so.

2. Is it weird if I ask the woman giving me a pedicure to shape my toenails roundly and not in a square? They always assume square and I always think, “eh, does it really matter,” but then I get home and obsess over it until my next one. I should say something. Say it, Alice. Okay, she’s moved on now. I guess square is okay?

1. Why is the wall that Beyoncé takes outfit pictures in front of so ugly?


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