WELL, all right. I’m just going to be real honest up front. This is basically an essay on hating Nick. Like, I actually thought my boyfriend and I might get a noise complaint because I was yelling at my TV so hard. This feels so reminiscent of last summer — sitting on my couch, drinking cheap red wine, wondering how in the hell this Nick character is still around. OH WAIT.
For sure though, maybe my favorite moment in Bachelor/Bachelorette history was Shawn and Nick silently chugging their champagne together while hatred steam literally filled up the room. A+ TV right there.
Let’s start whining about Nick, shall we? (No, but actually I wanted to call this recap, “I hate Nick”.)
Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 10
10. Okay, so Ben H is lovely and all, I’m sure. But I was so remarkably bored the entire time he was on screen. It felt like he was just a random dude narrating their date. And Kaitlyn wasn’t that much fun either! So bored I ended up looking at tagged pictures of Taylor Swift for 10 minutes and kind of missed what they talked about on their date….
9. Alright, chill out about this castle on the Ben H date. I mean, it’s cool, I guess. But it isn’t blowing my mind. This is how boring the date was, that all they had to talk about was how amazing the only kind of cool castle was.
8. “Golfing is a lot like love in that it’s something you can do until you’re old and gray,” says Shawn. No, honey.
7. I actually quite missed them literally going to hometowns! It’s so fun to see what dumb date they choose and to judge them more fairly with more information. I guess because they were final two they didn’t? Whatever, LAME.
6. Ben’s exit interview was bland central. He’s really going to miss Kaitlyn, you guys. Who wants him to be the Bachelor again?
5. So, Kaitlyn. Shawn and Nick hating each other is certainly a downer for you. But, you can’t really be mad that it soured your date with Shawn when you’re the one who brought it up and what you brought up was Nick talking shit about Shawn to you. I think you’re WAY too deep in the season to ask the men about each other. I know you want to know their deepest secrets, but you’re not going to get an honest representation from two dudes who hate each other.
4. Ugh, yawn, I am over boys yelling at each other. You hate each other, we get it. Act like girls and just fake it.
3. NO. Who else threw their phone/computer down in disgust when Nick said to his mom, “she’s great at making out.” I was like, “THAT’S IT, I’M DONE WITH THIS SHOW.”
2. OMG Nick must have a lot of history pissing off big guys because he was ready, SO READY, to whip out, “are you threatening me?” at the slightest bit of fuming from Shawn. Wah wah wah wah wah. No, he wasn’t. And you know it. You just want to make him look crazy. But in the end, he’s the one asking you to leave over and over and you’re the one looking like a little bitch. (I’m sorry, mom, I tried really hard to say something else here but nothing was as true!)
1. I literally CANNOT with Nick saying in a talking head that it wasn’t classy for Shawn to say he spent the whole day and night with Kaitlyn. I mean… dude. Is this a joke? For real though, is this a joke?? First of all, let’s remember the way you behaved to Andi at After the Final Rose: not exactly classy. (Actually, horrible and awful and you’re the worst.) Second of all, it’s the freaking fantasy suites! That’s how it works! Everyone knows that! GO AWAY PLEASE NOW.
Other random thoughts:
- OMG those donkeys and those lambs were 100% the highlight of the season. Can I play??
- Without a doubt the producers made Kaitlyn dare Shawn to strip. It was their apology to us for them letting Nick back on the show.
- Ooh girlfriend, this rose ceremony DRESS. Insert heart eye emoji here!
- Kaitlyn! Did you notice how much more Ben H liked Shawn than he did Nick?? I did!
- I always trust a skeptical family more than a gung ho one, so I’m down with you, Shawn’s dad.
So, next week. Anyone else not really care about the Men Tell All? Just me?
You know what I am looking forward to? Kaitlyn’s mom calling Nick on all his shit. See you here next week, where I will likely have a list of the 700 worst things since Ian and Clint and JJ and Yoga Guy who’s name I’ve forgotten will all be back. Catch me every Monday night tweeting along @Alicemcalex!
*Feature image source: ABC. video still.